According to latest reports, the apartment where they found Jonghyun in wasn’t his own home. Jonghyun had rented out the unit on December 18 itself.
The landlord did not notice anything weird when they met Jonghyun at 12.30pm. The landlord said,
“I didn’t look at his face carefully but there wasn’t anything abnormal about it. He looked normal.”
Later, at around 4.30pm, Jonghyun had informed his sister as well as Dear Cloud’s 9 about his plan on killing himself. He was then found at 6.30pm. He had passed away before arriving at the hospital.
Authorities also had to forcefully break down the door to gain access into the house.
It seems like Jonghyun has been suffering in silence for the longest of time already. His suicide letter which he had left for some of his closest friends and family members says it all.
Below is the content of his letter as translated by Koreaboo:
“I am broken from the inside. The depression that slowly gnawed away at me has finally swallowed me whole. And I could not defeat it.
I detested myself. I grabbed my disjointed memories and yelled at them to pull themselves together but was met with no response. If I can’t help myself breathe properly it’s better to stop breathing at all.
I asked myself who was responsible for me.
Only I. I was utterly alone.
It’s easy to talk about the end. It’s hard to actually end. I lived until now because of that difficulty. I told myself I wanted to run.
Yes, I wanted to run. From myself. From you.
I asked who was there. It was me. It was me again. And it was me yet again.
I asked why I kept losing my memories. It was because of my personality. I see. So It’s all my fault in the end. I wanted people to notice but no one did. They’ve never even met me so of course they don’t know I exist.
I asked why they live. They just live, just live on. If you ask why I die I would answer I am exhausted. I have suffered and pondered. I never learned how to turn this exhausting pain into bliss.
Pain is just that, pain. They scolded me not to do this. Why? Why can’t I even end things the way I want to?
They told me to find out why I hurt. I know too well. I hurt because of me. It’s all my fault and all because I’m lacking.
Doctor, is this what you wanted to hear? No. I have done nothing wrong.
When the gentle voice blamed my personality I thought, ‘damn being a doctor is easy’. It’s so odd that it hurts so much. People who have it worse than me live fine, people who are weaker than me carry on fine.
Maybe that’s not true. There’s no one alive that’s got it worse than me or is weaker than me.
But I should live on anyway. I keep asking myself why I should hundreds of times and it’s not for my own good. It’s for yours. Please don’t say a word if you don’t understand.
Find out why I’m hurting? I told you why. Is it so wrong to hurt so much because of that, do I need to have a more dramatic reason? A more specific reason?
I told you already. Were you not listening? Things you can overcome don’t scar you for life. Clashing with the world was never meant for me.
The life of fame was never meant for me. That’s all the reason why it hurts. Because I’m famous. Why did I choose this. It’s so funny.
It’s a wonder I lasted so long.
What can I say. Just tell me I’ve done well. That this is good enough. That I’ve worked hard. Even if you can’t smile don’t fault me on my way. You did well, you worked hard.
Indeed, it seems like this farewell is filled with sorrow. May Jonghyun rest in peace now.